Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
