the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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