happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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