My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
