Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
handjob tips. give me some.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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