I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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