I showed him my bush... on skype.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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