I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We need to get me chipped asap
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