Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
