my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
