he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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