i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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