I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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