Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
