I think my fart just growled at me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
