that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
