Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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