someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
