what day is it and did you see me today?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
