I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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