Dual....:-)
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
