Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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