Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
