two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
