by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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