And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
