the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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