Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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