My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
