hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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