Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize