dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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