i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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