You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
