Pappa wants mamma naked
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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