A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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