So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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