This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
