I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize