Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize