My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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