i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
