is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
