You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
