i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
