My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
