she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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