im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So here I am, sexting at work.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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