I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
