I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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