Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
