Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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