i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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