I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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