your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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