I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
