Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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