I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
