I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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