Soap is not a condiment
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize