Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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